The End

*Crash*

Eyes blurry, weary, tired. Do not remember how I got here but some transient moments of clarity do come. I do remember the backdrop; I just forget the context. Where am I again? It is complex. There was a dinner planned and what was her name again? Gotta get up fast. Remember. Her condition is important too. Have to ask. Just try and remember it all asap. Ok: Facts: There was a dinner at this fancy restaurant by the coast. We were both wearing white. We danced waltz. Red wine. Kissed. Left. What was her name? Damnit. And what was our relationship? Dating? Committed? Wife? I do remember her eyes though. Damn, those eyes on me. And that smile. Goddamn, I cannot even smile right now. Muscles hurt. Cannot even move a muscle. What dosage of analgesics do they have me on? Gotta ask ’em to increase the dosage. Which hospital is this? Did they find my contact details in the wallet? I should go through it too. I cannot recall my own name either. What is my hometown?

This must be the aftereffects of the crash. Ok. So, there was a crash. How? Was it my old bike? But I had that bike years ago in college. It was black. Yes. I remember that. With the white LED headlights. Damn, loved that bike. Clearly we were not on it now. My car, then. I must have been driving. I love to drive. Did we drink? I tend not to but if I danced with this woman I must have. I always only have drinks with the really close ones. She does look like my wife, though. Damn. I got married? When? Is this how a crash works? We question and recall all life decisions. My parents! They should know about me. Wait, it has been 15 years since they have been gone. So, I must be in my 60s. Let me just check my face. Yes, freckles and hardened skin. But the woman looks so beautiful and young. Must be my mind playing tricks with me. So, I must have kids. 3 of them. Where are they? Are they waiting outside?

Why am I sinking? There is complete darkness. No water too. What am I sinking into then? Oh, this is like that Sunken Place in Get out. Can I scream? Will anyone listen? I can overpower this. I am a weigh lifter after all. And I always fought. Fought to show I am more than my privilege and my family’s fortune. Kept shunning all the riches away of the heritage to show the world I belong. Was I proving it to them or myself? It was always me against me. Pushing the limits–

Hold on. There is no such thing as a sunken place in the real world. The string theory has still not been proven. The 4 forces have not been unified; and on the basis of the existing evidence, given my density I can possibly not “sink” into a liquid that is denser than me in the fourth dimension. The only way to relive this is via a unproven Neitzsche theory and he is a dead philosopher, not scientist. So, given all the possible scenarios here, I must be in a dream.

Is this a dream? Will I wake up punch drunk in love after some intense love making or recovering from a night of extreme drinking? Wake up! How do I slap myself up from a dream. Wake the fuck up before it is too late. Or, I am tripping on DMT right now. Shoot- it is trippy. 15 minutes and done, right? What if I get a flashback of life. All the people, all the incidents. All the events. All the roads taken and not. All the devisions made and not. All those things I said and left unsaid. But didn’t I make a pledge of Straight edge so many years ago? And I do not think I would ever take DMT. It is a substitute tryptamine which is released from the Pituitary gland at the time of Birth,….. and at the time of dea–shit–no, no! Wait–??!!?

……….

Still here? Thank Himanshu! Alright. I get to say goodbye, then? Ok: I never feared death. My departure has more to do with the the people and their lives I touched. I hope I never hurt them. I hope I gave them memories that made ’em smile. I hope I lived a life beyond me. For others. My selfish motives were to see a smile on others: Just like the movies and wrestling shows where I had a smile on my face when I saw them. My selfish motives were caring. My selfish motives were getting answers and solving people. My privilege guilt, my need to love and be loved. And my passion to reach the masses. To make a change. To fight the just cause; as a kid making speeches to a crowd of zero; to shouting at the top of my voice during election rallies and wasn’t there a CAA/NRC video I made at the age of 23? Damn, it must still be there on YouTube. And I take solace in knowing I treated my family and friends right. My parents loved me and I loved them. I was raised right. I loved a woman of my dreams (Literally! That’s how I found her. I had a vague dream about her. Then, I found her.) I know I saw the love in her eyes that I always wanted. I know I did everything I set my mind to: I know my legacy will live on beyond me. I know I made those hospitals with my hard work and sweat and never asked for a hand out from my family even when they could help. I know I was a politician that worked round the clock. I know I wrote books. I know I raised my kids right and made them good human beings. And I did all things at the right age. Did I get that farm house at the outskirts of Rohtak? Must have. I can see dogs running around and my horse. I can see her under the oak tree sipping on coffee and my kids playing around on a Sunday morning. So, which phase am I dying in now? Does not matter. I stood by my values and did things on my terms. I renounced God a long time ago and I believe my values were right for I still do not long for her/him/it at this time of end. I go into this happily (hopefully high on coffee), fighting (for I do not know any other way to be) but also accepting that my punches are a lost cause now. So, I do accept “defeat” and embrace this end but I am still fighting hoping to stretch it to a draw. 🙂