The year is 2023; a CM Punk in a parallel universe is sick and tired of douchebags riding a high horse, speaking shit out of turn & saying things they know nothing about. The truth can stand up straight on its own two feet; no wonder fat fucks always sit. The following are excerpts from what should have been said a long long time ago by a pissed off human being that is ready to fight and die for the truth. NEVER bring a knife to a gun fight.
We are going to do this once. & then move on to better and bigger things because some people live in delusions of beliefs that no comeuppance happens for the lies and bullshit they spread. Reality is the bitterest pill. & I am the Doctor of Truth. It is time to write your fucking eulogy.
“Art imitates life, doesn’t it? or is it the life that imitates art?”
(2011)
While you lay there, hopefully as uncomfortable as you possibly can be, I want you to listen to me. I want you to digest this because before I leave I have a lot of things I want to get off my chest.
I don’t hate you. I don’t even dislike you. I do like you. I like you a hell of a lot more than I like most people around you.
I hate this idea that you’re a good person. Because you’re not. There’s one thing you’re better at than I am and that’s being more wet behind the ears (and years).
Whoops! I’m breaking the fourth wall!
I’ve been the better friend to you since day one when I walked into this place. And I’ve been vilified and hated since that day because you could not see the truth. You a wet behind the ears (and years) person that created a self-important persona of a prima donna of self, while being worked into a work that does not work anymore refused to see the reality. You did see it. You just chose to still turn a blind eye and not believe in it. I considered you a friend. One of the only true friends. I cared. Your fucking funeral.
I’ve grabbed so many of your imaginary friendly feelers and feelings that it’s finally dawned on me that they’re just that, they’re completely imaginary. The only thing that’s real is me and the fact that day in and day out, for almost two and a half years, I have proved to everybody here that I am the man that will go to the trenches for you, will always have your back and will take bullets for you (like I have) without uttering a bad word about you because that is just not the kind of person I am.
Hey, Colt Cabana, how you doing?
The reason I’m leaving is you people. Because after I’m gone, you’re still going to pour your fake personalities into this earth. I’m just a spoke on the wheel. The wheel is going to keep turning and I understand that. You know why you will never change? Because you surround yourself with glad-handed, nonsensical, douchebag (censored) yes men, who’re going to tell you everything you want to hear, and I’d like to think that maybe this company will better off after Vince McMahon is dead. But the fact is, it’s going to be taken over by his idiotic daughter and his doofus son-in-law and the rest of his stupid family.
& this isn’t sour grapes. This is facts. I was handed over my future endeavours letter by this fucking company on my wedding day. I gave it time, processed it, and chose to never join that stupid wrestling company again. I was once sent a message by a person I considered one of my only friends here risking our friendship by hurting me mere days before I had planned my birthday for a table with that same person in it. I have never been friends with friends that cannot hold themselves to a high standards because real friends do not hurt each other. I had planned everything out since a goddamn month. Until, I didn’t. Everyone is a victim in their goddamn fairy tale story till the facts are out. I will not sit here and bitch and cry and moan about others insensitivity & recklessness. Stop hiding behind your fuck all issues because everyone is going through their own (without showing them) and maybe should known better but that is their fucking life decision pattern. Their fucking funeral.
(2013) *in character promo*
“The time has come to tell you all something very personal. See, I keep my ear to the ground and hear everything everybody says, and for the past two years and a half the words “pipe bomb” have been completely misunderstood and misused. It doesn’t seem that anybody in the “Universe” understands what it means, anybody here doesn’t understand what a pipe bomb is. Basically what a pipe bomb is, in its truest form, is the truth. It’s honesty. You boil it down and the essence of a pipe bomb is exactly what all of you lack; honesty. Seems the perception of me is somebody who’s a little disgruntled, sat down on a stage in Las Vegas and aired his grievances and said pipe bomb. I became the voice of the voiceless, and then maybe my ego was like a runaway train and I suddenly bitched and moaned and complained about respect and how I didn’t get enough of it. And then I turned my back on the people…
Well, that’s a lie.
Don’t be mistaken, I meant everything I said when I said it. Except for the part about ice cream, because I look out here and the last thing you people need is bars of ice cream, you fat imbeciles. But I was short changed and I was disrespected and sure, I could’ve just swallowed that bitter pill and accepted my position like everyone else here, or I could’ve left. Instead, I made a conscious decision… and I sold out. To you; I sold out. To me; I cashed in. See, I created this persona, this rebel, this anti-hero that you loved to cheer for because you all love to cheer for your super heroes. Because here’s the truth about Las Vegas, here’s the truth about the world, is that it doesn’t matter if you’re the best. It doesn’t matter if you’re the best talker, it doesn’t matter if you’re the best overall performer, it doesn’t matter if you make the two clowns sitting to my left on commentary look like amateur hour. There is a glass ceiling and nobody is allowed to break it.
Look, they’re doing it now. YOU’RE DOING IT NOW! You’re falling for everything I say. You’re playing into my hands, but this is the way it is. And this is the way YOU want it to be, because this is the way you handle it. It’s easy. It’s saccharin. It’s simple to digest, because you people can’t handle anything complicated. You people can’t stomach anything interesting. This is the way it’s been since the beginning of time. We’re all here in the circus to entertain you! And nobody has been able to attain a modicum of success without your eyeballs.
Except for now. Until I showed up. And I have attained this success not because of you. I am successful not because of you. I am successful in spite of you.
Now i’m the most honest man in this building. I’m the most honest man in this company because everybody else has got the same old tired crybaby story.
There’s good guys and there’s bad guys in this world and make no mistake about it ladies and gentlemen, I am a bad, bad man. And I can freely admit it. Now these other people, these men are either weak or they’re dishonest and they’re liars. It’s either one or the other. But I… I am neither weak or dishonest.
I’m the Best in the World.
Oh, I’m being told that we have to take a commercial break. I’m not done. Let me explain something to you, let me explain something to everyone in the truck. We don’t go to break when you wanna go to break. We go to break when the champ wants to go to break!”
(2022)
“My problem was I wanted to bring a guy with me to the top that did not want to see me at the top. You can call it jealousy. You can call it envy. Whatever the fuck it is, my friendship with Scott Colton ended long before I paid all of his bills. Long before he ever realised, long before I confronted him about it or I made him feel it has ended. I have every receipt. I have every invoice. I have every email. I have the email where he says, and I quote … ‘I agree to go our separate ways. I will get my own lawyer and you do not have to pay anymore.’ That’s an email that I have. The only reason the public did not see it is because when I finally had to countersue him through discovery we discovered he shared a bank account with his mother. That’s a fact.
What did I ever do in this world to get to deserve an empty-headed, sleazy, cheap, fucking dumb fuck go and spread rumours about me and calling me a cheat while this closeted bisexual goes ahead and ruins a woman’s life by marrying her & does not even have the balls to admit his lies to his and her family. Now, it is 2022. Nobody gives a fuck if you suck cock. More power to you. I will be the first to fight for your right to be you. LGBTQ+ rights are human rights! Just have the balls to be open about it because it is not something you hide from the people, like your wife, that will get affected by it. But the fact that he goes ahead and continues making out and fucking others after he is married, for which, by the way, I do not care because he is inconsequential to me. But this son of a bitch goes ahead and says I cheated?! Without fucking proof? Without having the balls to come and ask me or say something to my face? Cheating is something I will never do. It is everything I will never be: weak. So, fuck him and anyone else that wants to remain friends with this low life. A cheat lives to paint everyone else as a cheat. Holding his paint brush of insecurity & jealousy in his hand, hoping to (over) compensate for an even smaller paint brush in his pants. I understand the mere presence of me makes people uncomfortable. There are two kinds of people in this world: Those that talk and those that they talk about. I am in the latter category. And always will be. You do not match up. You cannot match up. & that is okay. But I have always kept an open door for my people because I believe in watching my people grow. We grow together. There is a reason that you hide behind your objects, materials, faux personalities, rumours and lies because there are levels to this, and you cannot tie my laces in this sport. Tell me when I am telling lies.
You want to be friends with this low life? Your fucking funeral. Do not even attempt to be friends with me. I only associate myself with friends that are my ride or die. Because I have always been their ride or die. You saw it? Appreciated it? Good. Welcome back. Lets talk. You didn’t? Fuck off. I have enough of those who are more sacred to me than blood and far better than you fuck all low lives & those you consider friends. What did I ever do? I didn’t do a goddamn thing.
Now, I do not give a fuck about low lives like him. There are people I considered friends & cared for that should have known better. There’s people who call themselves smart that should have fucking known better. This shit was none of their business. I understand sticking up for your fucking friends. I fucking get it. I stuck up for my friends more than anybody. I fucking threw a Christmas party inviting a gazillion friends and people I have fuck all to do with once just to spend time with a friend. To be there. Until this person’s meta head started believing lies and conspiracies that never existed. Until I chose to not be friends and it was my decision not to. I once got cut right below my left eyebrow with a fucking blade fighting off four cunts that were trying to beat up on my friend. I broke more than bones that day. I have gone to the deep waters for my people. I wear my heart on my sleeve. When somebody who hasn’t done a damn thing in this business goes ahead and does fuck all talks about me behind my back, it’s a disgrace to this industry. It’s a disgrace to this company. Now, we’re far beyond apologies. I gave them a fucking chance. It did not get handled and you saw what I had to do, which is very regrettable, lowering myself to their fucking level, but that’s where we’re at right now.
Here is a fact. I was dating a person when I was single way back in OVW. Now, it’s 2022. I haven’t properly been friends with this woman since at least 2014, late 2013, since our relationship ended long before god knows when. Whatever was or wasn’t is between us. None of anyone’s goddamn business. I have done everything with my value system intact and crystal cleared with everyone I have ever been associated with. The fact that I have to get up here and do this in 2022 is fucking embarrassing. And anyone that chooses to disrespect my pure relationships, past or present, by maligning it with their poison? I will rip your fucking throats out. Tell me when I am telling lies.
Oh hey, let me get something straight. Those of you who are cheering me right now, you are just as big a part of me leaving as anything else. Because you’re the ones that sit with your popcorns and watch with glee. You are the cowardly sons of bitches that choose to be neutral, while knowing everything and just letting it play out without taking sides and not having the spine to stand up for what is right. The only people softer than you are the people you associate yourselves with. I am the one bill phil. Apropos, because I am the one true article in a world full of counterfeit bucks.
Tell me when I am telling lies.”
-Phil “CM Punk” Brooks (excerpts from 2011; 2013; 2022)
Himanshu Chakravarty Sharma / मंच 